How the royal family and senior EU politicians can make extra cash

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics.

At the time of writing the British monarchy has collapsed, the palaces and crowns are being advertized for sale on Facebook Marketplace (with the profits going to prop up the failing Scottish fishing industry) and the royals are looking for work and new places to live.

There will no doubt be a few pounds left over to buy Liz and Phil, and also Charles, nice houses (maybe even three bedrooms each and an ensuite bathroom), Anne and Edward can move into a semi-detached together, and Andrew can reside at his mother’s pleasure in Wandsworth.

But now that the House of Windsor has been brought down by the star of “The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down,” what will they do to bring in extra money?

Fear not, another divisive Brit with questionable attitudes to foreigners — Nigel Farage — may have the answer. Farage this month stepped down as the leader of Reform UK, the rebranded Brexit Party, to spend more time standing on the beaches of Kent pointing at boats full of migrants.

He’s also raking in the cash after joining Cameo (the bizarre video-sharing platform, not the 1980s funk hitmakers).

Yes, for just €82 (or £63 if you prefer — speaking of which, who’s going to be on the money now that the royal family is finished? Adele? Mr. Bean? Rishi Sunak?) you can ask Farage to record a personal message “for Mother’s Day, a birthday, a wedding, to surprise somebody. But I promise you, I will mention Brexit, I will mention Trump.” The ideal gift for someone you despise.

European political figures have been slow to get in on the personalized messaging act, but there are plenty of (former) big names from the U.S. on the same site: ex-governor of Alaska Sarah “We gotta stand with our North Korean allies” Palin will record you a message for €163 (and for the same amount of money you can get ex-Trump spokesman Sean Spicer); and short-lived White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci charges just €45 per message.

EU figures are really missing out here. Imagine paying, say, €200 for Ursula von der Leyen to say “Happy birthday, I’ve triggered Article 16” (it would also be the only way for the non-German media to speak to her); or handing over €150 to hurl insults at the EU in a Russian accent while foreign policy chief Josep Borrell sits there smiling.

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“Welcome to the first executive board meeting of the Conference on the Future of Europe.”

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Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.