Josh Freed: Here’s hoping 2021 leads to more vaccination elation

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The hottest topic of 2021 is vaccination, a single word attached to a vast array of emotions — from envy, anxiety and suspicion, to joy and relief.

It started in January with vaccination aggravation as Canada watched Israel, England and 40 other countries race ahead of us like a literal “shot”.

Meanwhile, we got automated messages saying: “We regret to say your vaccinations have been lost in the mail, or hijacked by other countries. Your vaccine tracking number is V-8782928292.  Good luck!”

In February, the mood changed dramatically as our vaccine cavalry arrived — since then more than 10 per cent of Quebecers have been jabbed, including most over 65s. Today, non-stop vaccine conversations have mercifully replaced Trump talk.

“Omigod You got it! Which-one? When’s your second dose? Which arm? Oh God, you’re so lucky — I want one, too!”

It was the start of a new vaccination emotion: vaccine envy.

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Sure it’s exciting to get an “I got vaccinated” photo from family or friends. But it’s natural to feel slightly envious when those you know get a step closer to seeing parents or grandkids, hugging friends — maybe even …  travelling.

You can be joyous and jealous at the same time.

Many people look begrudgingly elsewhere. Ontario seniors have vaccine-envy about older Quebecers getting jabbed faster than them. Quebec teachers envy those in states like Arizona, where teachers get priority; grocery cashiers envy Kansas ones who get COVID shots first.

In Ontario, massage therapists and naturopaths get priority. Believe it or not, New Jersey smokers of any age get “high-risk” medical priority, enough to encourage many to take up smoking.

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Meanwhile, poor countries are jealous of rich countries whose vaccine laments seem like luxuries.

Lobby groups have formed everywhere, seeking vaccine privileges for waiters, teachers, bus drivers, busboys, Uber drivers and NBA basketball players who say they deserve high priority because they pay high taxes.

For a while I considered starting my own lobby group for baldheaded, Jewish messy men with bad handwriting.

Only months ago, each new vaccine seemed like another miracle, but now people are getting fussier about vaccine shopping, as happens with all consumer products.

Pfizer and Moderna have become the Armanis of vaccines, while Johnson & Johnson is more Old Navy. You can almost hear people murmur: “Johnson & Johnson — no thanks. I hear it’s just a Band-Aid.”

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Some people at Montreal vaccination centres are refusing AstraZeneca vaccines after exaggerated reports of rare blood clotting — along with rumours it doesn’t protect against the Southwestern Uzbekistan/Kazakhstan Borat variant.

Just remember: All the vaccines are miracles and you can’t be too choosy about which miracle you’ll take. We’re getting vaccines, not blue jeans.

With first shots spreading quickly, vaccine confusion is growing. Those who had their first dose several weeks ago now have many unanswered questions.

After you’re vaccinated, what can you do that’s different from before — apart from not dying from COVID? Can you shake hands with other vaccinated people, or at least bump elbows?

Can you have unprotected conversations? Or do you still have to wear a Gesichtskondom — the German word for a COVID “face condom”?

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Many people still have vaccination hesitation — often health-sensitive people worried about allergies and possible side effects.

But others are hostile to all vaccines for more paranoid reasons. A friend got vaccinated last weekend, then shared the photo on Facebook.

He got a tirade of messages from vaccine vilifiers who warned of countless possible side effects — ranging from “convulsions and seizures” to “encephalitis/myelitis/encephalomyelitis/ meningoencephalitis/meningitis.”

Somehow they forget to mention ISIS.

These people see vaccines as a villainous plot to enrich drug companies, or to let Bill Gates implant trackable microchips in our brains (honest). Many would rather risk COVID than a vaccine, so let’s hope there aren’t enough of them to keep the disease alive and mutating.

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Partly as a response, many countries are creating vaccine passports that will permit travel, as well as entry into restaurants, bars and other activities  open only to those “fully vaccinated.”

Will there be Tinder dating sites with different levels?

1) Platinum level: Double-dose dates only.

2) Gold level: Single-dose dates only.

3) No-name level: No doses. No dates.

The Quebec government has said it’s open to this passport idea. If so, will indoor restaurants and bars in Montreal eventually open only to those with double-dose credentials?

Will early-vaccinated octogenarians briefly take over Montreal’s restaurant scene, filling Verdun’s once-young hip bistros — while demanding that waiters lower the music and play golden oldies from Dinah Shore and Tony Bennett?

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Nevertheless, the most important emotion that’s spreading in recent weeks is vaccination elation, for many relieved, fragile seniors who have got their life-protecting shot in the arm.

Many reportedly leave with tears of gratitude in their eyes. If everyone in Quebec gets this opportunity by June 24 as promised, we will all be ready to toast a vaccination celebration.

Then, who knows — a few months later, the government may just decide to lift the curfew.

joshfreed49@gmail.com

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