How much would you pay to enter the UK?

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics.

How much is Britain worth? Not in terms of GDP or the value of the pound, but how much would you pay to go there.

We’re about to find out (or at least we’re about to find out what the British government thinks it should cost). The government has confirmed plans to charge EU citizens and other foreign nationals to visit, as part of a wider reform aimed at making the border more secure.

Home Secretary Priti Patel said her department will pass legislation to introduce an Electronic Travel Authorisation (ETA) that she argued will help the government accurately track the number of people entering and leaving the U.K. It will apply to visitors without a visa or immigration status, except British and Irish citizens.

However, she declined to clarify how much it would cost visitors. Perhaps there should be a sliding scale depending on where you are planning to go.

“London? That’ll be £20, please.”

“Stoke-on-Trent? It’ll cost you £1.50.”

“You’re visiting Salisbury for the afternoon, just to admire the spire of the cathedral? That’ll cost you 500 rubles.”

The crackdown looks to be so severe that even senior members of the British government have taken to wearing clothes with their job title on them, so everyone knows who they are. Patel went on a raid to arrest suspected ringleaders of a people-smuggling gang while wearing a jacket with “Home Secretary” emblazoned on it. Perhaps it was self-preservation, in case Patel caught sight of herself in a mirror or shop window and tried to deport herself.

Then Boris Johnson was photographed wearing a zip-up top with “Prime Minister” on it. Mind you, Johnson’s so scatty (or at least pretends to be) that he likely forgets that he’s one of the most powerful people on the planet rather than a comedy mascot who’s wheeled out in front of the media while a real politician does all the work from inside a bunker.

One thing that Johnson has remembered is to get married. He’ll be tying the knot with Carrie Symonds in July 2022 and has sent save-the-date cards to family and friends (which could have been awkward as he refuses to say how many children he has).

The good news is that it’s been reported that Johnson will pay for his own wedding rather than let the taxpayer stump up the cash if he chooses Chequers, the British prime minister’s official country house (don’t know about you, but I find the upkeep of the official country house that comes with my job to be a real pain).

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag (there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze).

“You can say what you like about climate change but it’s certainly made cricket more exciting,” by Tom Morgan.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.