Each November, I start to really feel my nervousness rise barely, day-to-day. December, notably one of many busiest months of the 12 months for folks, begins spreading its tentacles into our household Google calendar lengthy earlier than Thanksgiving. Elementary band concert events, household events, visits to Santa and a slew of occasions which might be determined for volunteers compete for my time till I usually really feel able to “lose it,” as my youngsters say. Despite our making a objective just a few years again to simplify our Christmas traditions, really carrying out that activity is a each day problem in setting boundaries.
The vacation creep occurs slowly over time, not less than in my reminiscence. As a child-free married couple, the quiet week between Christmas and the brand new 12 months felt like a present. Time felt fluid, and we languished about, doing little or no of significance. It was a welcome reprieve from each day life. Even with one child, I discovered myself in a position to give attention to the enjoyment of the season greater than the chaos. Just as with all issues parenting, although, issues get tougher as youngsters become old and household dimension will increase. As we head into the vacations this 12 months with three tweens and a kindergartener, the tempo feels almost frantic.
This doesn’t imply we haven’t set boundaries — we now have. We don’t ship vacation playing cards, we don’t change presents with our prolonged household, and I gladly give my enterprise to a neighborhood baker reasonably than inflict my culinary abilities on anybody. We’ve additionally streamlined our “must-haves” this 12 months. Rather than dashing from occasion to occasion round our metropolis, we took a weekend journey to the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center for a vacation extravaganza. In simply three days, my youngsters ice skated, sipped scorching cocoa, snow-tubed, listened to a narrative from Mrs. Claus, took in a manufacturing of The Nutcracker and sat on Santa’s lap. While the weekend was alleged to be a gift for our children, it actually felt like a present for me — I obtained to examine all these obligations off my December checklist in a single fell swoop. Done, accomplished, accomplished.
Even with progress on my to-do checklist, and even with studying to say “no,” it may be so laborious to withstand the tide of stress and expectations that weighs down dad and mom through the holidays. “I have a huge meltdown and rant to my daughters about women’s emotional and physical labor that somehow remains invisible,” my pal Lauren Tanabe tells me. There are vows to by no means do it once more, however Tanabe struggles with not wanting the youngsters to really feel like they’re lacking out. It’s an inner battle yearly. “I want them to know you should not have to kill yourself for a holiday to make everyone else happy,” she says.
That last part has struck a chord deep within me. What was I doing to make everyone else happy, and where was I finding joy for myself? Ice skating with my children during our Christmas getaway was one of the most joy-filled hours I’ve spent in a long time. Constantly refreshing my cart on Black Friday to score deals on gifts for my kids? Not so much.
It’s not about the gift itself. I love buying my children things they need and finding presents that will make them smile, but I get frustrated with how consumerism has taken over the holidays. Brianna Bell, a friend and colleague whose three kids are close in age to mine, tells me she has to set a hard limit on buying gifts — lest she be swayed by a good late-December sale. “I slowly bought the kids stuff, and while it feels like I could go on forever, I put a hard stop to buying gifts by Dec. 5 and cannot pick up anything else for them after that,” she says. I admit I am often guilty of throwing a few cute gifts into my Target cart on my Dec. 23 run, but Bell is right — we could do without them. Next year, I plan to adopt an end date for gift-buying as well.
As to the division of tasks in two-parent households? It turns out this is a sticking point for many couples. Like Tanabe notes, women do indeed do most of the holiday labor. Many households, though, are trying to rewrite that script. My husband and I have each found things we like to do in December. He loves decorating the house, inside and out. I find holiday decor often feels like clutter to me, so I happily let that task fall off my plate. I actually love being creative with the Elf on the Shelf, a task that brings him no joy. He buys the stocking stuffers, I get most of the big gifts, and we stay up till the wee hours of the morning wrapping gifts every Christmas Eve — born out of procrastination, it now feels like a comforting tradition.
Some of the wisest advice I’ve received is from Jennifer Deemer, another mom in my community. “We sat down a few years ago and made a list of what was really important to us as a family and discovered it was things like sledding, hot cocoa and seeing the lights. What was missing was really telling.” She says so most of the issues she careworn over, like further events, occasions and present exchanges, had been not likely loved by anybody of their household — so they only started to say no. Like us, they pared down their purchasing checklist to fast household, telling family members they’ve chosen to give attention to time collectively reasonably than gifting. “Not everyone liked it, but understood, and now everyone seems more relaxed at gatherings,” she tells me.
I can’t declare to have all of it found out. I’m much less careworn this vacation season than final 12 months, however not as relaxed as I had hoped to be. Our household continues to be studying what traditions we need to preserve and which of them really feel like unwelcome obligations, however hammering that out takes a while. For this 12 months, although, I’m selecting to have a good time the boundaries we have managed to set — and on the lookout for an opportunity to go ice skating with my youngsters once more.
