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Except the hand soap and calendar, everything else was food and drink related.
No question that we will have a very fulfilling New Year’s evening as we sip our bubbly and devour assorted cheeses, biscuits, chocolates and Gypsy sausage with a cognac pate overlay.
But perhaps there is a more subtle story behind this avalanche of digestible goodies.
Just suppose our collective families have realized that Grandma and Grumpy may not have too many more years to impose upon with needless text messages and endless phone calls about deceased friends or their continuing tales of ailments and latest prescriptions.
Just suppose collectively they have their eyes on “The Inheritance.” And suppose they have found a subtle conspiratorial means to speed body fattening, hardening arteries and encourage an onslaught of sugar-related health problems with a singular goal in mind.
Of course, I’m kidding as our ever-loving families would not consciously seek to reduce our life expectancy by feeding our way to the recycling shop.
Plus in truth we are spending the inheritance as quickly as possible on new bathroom taps, new larger medicine cabinet, new slippers, new housecoats, new jammies, new undergarments, new and large packages of toilet tissue, larger wine glasses and more boxes of nose-blowing tissue.
We’ll show them that we won’t go out without a struggle. Of course, the struggle will have to begin in late January as supplies of Christmas gift goodies slowly diminish.
Next year, we plan to ask for celery, spinach and avocados for Christmas.
Oh, and I did I mention the nine floral centre pieces, three poinsettia, one orchid and two flowering carnivorous pitcher plants — one of which I swear just said “Feed Me.”
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