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If you feel uncomfortable about the idea of networking, you aren’t alone. Despite the importance of our networks for our mental health, physical health, and professional success, the majority of us either think that networking is pointless or feel a moral aversion to it. It makes us feel dirty.
Take a look at the following words and fill in the blanks: w_sh and s__p. A clever study by researchers Tiziana Casciaro, Francesca Gino, and Maryam Kouchaki found that even thinking about the idea of networking makes you far more likely to see cleansing words like “wash” and “soap,” rather than more-neutral words like “wish” and “step.”
In a controlled lab experiment, the trio of researchers asked participants to recall and write about an instance when they had engaged in either spontaneous professional networking (you happen to run into someone at a wedding who provides you with a job lead) or instrumental professional networking (you went to a party with the specific intention of trying to get career help). They also asked people to think about personal rather than professional interactions.
When asked to think about the instrumental form of professional networking, in which they were trying to get something, people were roughly twice as likely as their spontaneous counterparts to see cleansing words such as “wash,” “shower,” and “soap.” This makes perfect sense. Relationships—with family, dear friends, mentors, and colleagues—are intimately personal. They are invaluable. They are sacred. Subconsciously, the idea of intentionally profiting from relationships brings them into the realm of money, the realm of taboo. As a consequence, feelings of disgust can lead to disengagement for those who experience it.
Where people go wrong is thinking of networking as self-serving. When we think of our interactions as an opportunity to give rather than get, much of the moral aversion to networking disappears. In fact, one group was found by these researchers to have far fewer qualms about networking: people in power. On the one hand, you could think this is obvious. People in power became powerful precisely because they are good at networking. But this was true even when the researchers experimentally made subjects think they were powerful. What is different about people in power is that they feel like they have something to give. If we walk into a social exchange thinking about what we can get out of the exchange rather than what we can give, we have the equation backward, and it makes us uncomfortable.
Right now in particular, there are so many things we have to give one another. Many people are struggling with isolation and loneliness—a simple “hello” is a gift. Sending along an article or a podcast is another small gift that can have a big impact. Even asking for help is a gift. It gives the other person a sense of mastery and an opportunity to be of service and get outside themselves.
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