ASK AMY: Guest’s choice to post wedding video upsets couple

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Dear Amy: My husband and I were married last month.

This was a very small wedding with only 25 people. We had been waiting for this day for over 10 years!

I am upset that one of my new sisters-in-law took it upon herself to not only record the entire ceremony on video on her phone, but one hour into the reception, she posted the whole ceremony on Facebook.

She knows we have been off of FB for years. We don’t like to share our business on social media, and her FB account is not exactly private, either.

By the time I was finally notified of this, our wedding video had had over 800 views.

I told her to please take it down from Facebook, and her only reply was “Done.”

She has not had any interaction with me at all since then.

My other sister-in-law wants the passcode from my photographer to ALL of our wedding pictures, as she wants to print photos of her and her siblings.

I told her we have not even printed our album yet, so I am not giving access to OUR pictures, which we paid quite a bit of money for.

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I told her I would be happy to have her over to view them during a visit. I will have them printed for her.

Am I wrong for standing my ground?

— Private Newlyweds in Pa.

Dear Private: It should be considered common knowledge – and common courtesy — that no person should post a photo or video of a friend or family member on social media without the subject’s implicit or explicit permission.

Your wedding was not a public performance, but a deeply personal and intimate family-centred event.

No guest should post any photos of the bridal party from the wedding until the reception is over, and – in my opinion – no guest should ever post any video from the wedding ceremony itself without the explicit permission of the couple.

Some guests might choose to post photos of themselves from the reception while it is still going on – this is inevitable.

Some couples ask guests to “check” (surrender) their phones for a completely “unplugged” experience. Others post signs in convenient places, asking guests to please not post anything until the event is over.

Your sister-in-law crossed a boundary. You did the right thing, by quickly asking her to remove it. Her curt reply: “Done” is an acknowledgment that she did what you wanted her to do, but she is not going to be nice about it.

You are also absolutely justified in denying your other sister-in-law the passcode to your photographer’s professional pictures. These are photos that you paid for. They belong to you and your husband, and you should only share them when you’re ready.

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Dear Amy: Our son was recently accepted early-decision into an Ivy League school.

My pride in him is a bit offset by the embarrassment I feel for my husband.

He insists on wearing T-shirts and sweatshirts with the school’s logo (a lot!), including at (social-distanced) gatherings with neighbours and on Zoom calls with friends and family.

I think this is boastful and obnoxious, and occasionally insensitive, as we know that some of those people are still going through the college admissions process.

He doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

Am I in the wrong here?

— Irked by the Ivy

Dear Irked: The most socially sensitive response to your child’s early-decision result is to wait to do your victory dance about it in front of other anxious parents until the regular admissions season has concluded (usually April 1).

You should absolutely mention your son’s acceptance with pride and also relief that the whole thing is over. No doubt, he worked hard to gain his early-decision, and there is no need to hide his accomplishment under a bushel.

Dad parading in a T-shirt, however, is a bit much.

With friends and family members on Zoom calls – if none of them are currently going through this particular Dante’s ring – go ahead and break out the T-shirt and hoot and holler.

It is important for you to recognize that your husband’s behaviour is his own responsibility, not yours.

Dear Amy: “Very Hurt” was furious that her sister enabled her son to smoke weed at the age of 15.

Your basic response lacked the most important reason young people should delay smoking weed: It damages young developing brains.

THIS is why people should wait until they’re older to smoke.

— Upset Parents

Dear Upset: Absolutely. Thank you.