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Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics.
The Football War between El Salvador and Honduras. The boat being stuck in the Suez Canal. The Mexican presidency of Pedro Lascuráin. That time I tried to make Anthony Bourdain’s recipe for cassoulet. All of these things lasted longer than the European Super League.
After launching as Sunday turned into Monday, by the time Tuesday turned into Wednesday it was all over after the self-professed Big Six English clubs announced they were pulling out (that’s five actual big clubs and Tottenham Hotspur, who have had less European success than POLITICO’s five-a-side team — fact!).
Even Boris Johnson, a man who knows as much about football as he does about fidelity and using a comb, was quick to denounce the plans, promising to “drop a legislative bomb” to stop it from happening.
He didn’t need to. In a statement, the Super League said: “Given the current circumstances, we shall reconsider the most appropriate steps to reshape the project.” Now we all know what that means: at some point when everyone’s celebrating the end of lockdown or on holiday or maybe even just drunk, an announcement will be made for the “Super European League” that will be exactly the same but with softer marketing, maybe a picture of a kitten or a smiling child or the Dalai Lama.
As unmitigated PR disasters go, it was almost admirable. Was the whole thing the brainchild of European Council President Charles “This seat? Don’t mind if I do” Michel?
However, spare a thought for those at the sharp end of the abuse heaped upon the Super League such as Theresa May’s former Downing Street Director of Communications Katie Perrior and former broadcast journalist Jo Tanner who, as London Playbook revealed, had signed up to do communications for the breakaway league. Rumors that they’re taking less toxic jobs such as PR for Bashar al-Assad were unconfirmed at the time of going to press.
Speaking of public relations nightmares, the EU’s vaccines rollout continues to resemble Bambi on ice. On Wednesday, French vaccine producer Valneva announced it was “deprioritizing” negotiations with the European Commission because they were going nowhere.
What a strange choice of word “deprioritizing” is for a drug company to use during a global pandemic; it’s like “deprioritizing” running away from a bear that’s chasing you down a mountain with a napkin tied around its neck, rubbing its belly and shouting “dinner time!”
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“The rules are very simple: when the music stops, the one who sits in the chair first gets Cyprus.”
Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque
Last week we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag (there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze).
“At the Turkish equality ministry, the ‘so-fa, so good’ gag never grows old,” by Tom Morgan
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.
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